top banana (makesomelove) wrote,
top banana
makesomelove

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DAMN U GUYS, WE WENT AND SAW THE MOVIE SPLICE TODAY BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE A SCARY MOVIE WITH A BADDIE CREATURE THAT TRIES TO KILL ADRIEN BRODY

IT WASN'T THAT AT ALL! YIKES! LET ME EXPLAIN THIS MOVIE TO U (POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING)

ADRIEN BRODY IS A BIOCHEMIST AND WORKS WITH HIS GF WHO IS ALSO A BIOCHEMIST, AND THEY'RE WORKING ON SPLICING TOGETHER A BUNCH OF ANIMAL/PLANT DNA IN ORDER TO SYNTHESIZE SOMETHING IDK SCIENCE FOR LIVESTOCK MEDICATION. THE LITTLE CREATURES THEY MAKE AT THE BEGINNING ARE LIKE BIG SLUGS WHO ARE IN LOVE BC ONE IS A MALE AND ONE IS A FEMALE

THEN THE GF BIOCHEMIST IS LIKE LET'S TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL AND ADD SOME HUMAN DNA INTO THE MIX BUT DAVID HEWLETT (LOL) AND SOME FRENCH LADY ARE LIKE, U CAN'T DO THAT BC OF THE MORAL OUTRAGE, BUT SHE CONVINCES ADRIEN BRODY TO DO IT ANYWAY

SO THEY MAKE THIS CREATURE OUT OF SPLICED DNA FOR DAYS AND AT FIRST IT HATCHES OUT OF A SAC AND IT LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE BUNNY/CHICKEN AND THE BIOCHEMIST GF IS LIKE IMMEDIATELY MATERNAL ALL OVER IT AND ADRIEN BRODY WANTS TO KILL IT (I WANTED SO BADLY FOR SOMEONE TO BE LIKE "IT'S AN ABOMINATION!!!" BUT NOBODY DID) BUT SHE WON'T LET HIM SO THEY KEEP IT A SECRET AND RAISE IT AND STUDY IT AS THEIR OWN

THE BIOCHEMIST GF IS LIKE "THIS IS MY DAUGHTER" AND PUTS THE CREATURE (WHO SHE NAMES DREN BC IT'S NERD BACKWARDS AND THE CREATURE SPELLED NERD OUT WITH SCRABBLE TILES) IN A DRESS AND GIVES IT DOLLIES AND GARBAGE AND SHE'S GOING CRAZY. DREN HAS A STINGER ON THE END OF HER TAIL THAT IS DEADLY SO THEY USUALLY KEEP A COVER OVER IT BUT THE BIOCHEMIST GF MOM IS GETTING A LITTLE ATTACHED AND KIND SO SHE DON'T GIVE A CARE. DREN AGES RAPIDLY FOR SOME REASON TOO, IDK

ADRIEN BRODY'S BROTHER IS ALSO A BIOCHEMIST AND HAS THE EXACT SAME HAIRCUT AS ADRIEN BRODY AND HE ACCIDENTALLY FINDS OUT ABOUT DREN AND IS LIKE WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING U GOTTA MOVE IT SO THEY MOVE DREN TO LIKE THE BASEMENT OF THE BIOCHEMIST BUILDING OR WHATEVER

DREN ALMOST DIES FOR SOME REASON AND ADRIEN BRODY IS LIKE "I'M GONNA HOLD HER HEAD UNDERWATER BC SHE IS AN ABOMINATION AND THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR" BUT THAT ENDS UP SAVING DREN'S LIFE BC SHE HAS AQUATIC LUNGS OR WHATEVER

BIOCHEMIST GF HAD A CRAZY MOM AND SHE WASN'T ALLOWED TO HAVE BARBIES WHEN SHE WAS A CHILD SO SHE KEEPS A SPECIAL LOCK BOX WITH A BARBIE AND LIKE A TIARA AND FUN GIRLY STUFF IN IT. SHE GIVES DREN THE BARBIE AND IS LIKE "I LOVE U LIKE A MOTHER O_______O" DREN NOW LOOKS LIKE A PRETTY LITTLE GIRL WITH DOWN'S SYNDROME (COMPLICATIONS DURING HER BIRTH, SPECIAL CARE NEEDS, HER EYES ARE WIDE-SET, SHE CAN'T TALK BUT SHE HAS WAYS OF COMMUNICATING, SHE'S REALLY STRONG, ETC.) AND A TAIL AND WEIRD LEGS AND SHE LUVS HER BARBIE AND HER PARENTS AND HER ROOM THAT'S SEPARATED FROM THE REST OF THE BASEMENT SPACE ONLY BY A SHEER CURTAIN! THEN ADRIEN BRODY AND BIOCHEMIST GF HAVE SEX ON A COUCH WHILE DREN LOOKS ON, ALL THE WHILE ADRIEN BRODY IS STARING AT DREN WHILE HIS GF RIDES HIS DICK

ADRIEN BRODY'S SAME-HAIRCUT BRO IS LIKE BRO U GOTTA MOVIE THIS THING OUTTA HERE FOR REAL DAVID HEWLETT AND THE FRENCH LADY ARE GONNA GET MAD, SO THE BIOCHEMIST GF IS LIKE "I HAVE A FARM WE CAN MOVE HER TO" (SHE GREW UP ON THIS FARM ???????????)

SO THEY MOVE DREN TO THIS BARN WITH LIKE A WATER TANK IN IT SO SHE CAN GET HER SWIM ON AND SHE'S LIKE A TEENAGER NOW. BIOCHEMIST GF MOM HAS FUN DRESSING UP AND PUTTING MAKE-UP ON DREN AND IS LIKE "I WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO WEAR MAKE-UP BC OF MY MOM O____O AREN'T YOU A PRETTY GIRL O__O" AND DREN IS LIKE LOL I'M SO PRETTY! THEN BIOCHEMIST GF MOM FINDS ALL THESE DRAWINGS DREN DID OF ADRIEN BRODY IN CRAYON, BUT THERE ARE NONE OF THE MOM!

DREN KEEPS ACTING OUT BECAUSE SHE'S LIKE "UGH I'M BORED AND I WANNA GO OUTSIDE, I'M TIRED OF BEING HOMESCHOOLED" BUT THE BIOCHEMIST GF MOM IS LIKE "STOP BEING A BRAT!!!" DREN EVEN FINDS A CAT FRIEND TO SNUGGLE WITH BUT HER MOM TAKES IT AWAY LIKE A BITCH AND IS LIKE "YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS BC IT MIGHT MAKE YOU SICK." (I LIKED THESE PARTS BC IT WAS SOOOO MOTHER-TEENAGE DAUGHTER RELAYSH). DREN BREAKS THROUGH THE SKY LIGHT AND GETS UP ON THE ROOF TO BE FREE, REVEALING THAT SHE HAS GROWN WINGS. SHE'S ABOUT TO FLY AWAY ALL IN A TEENAGE HUFF BUT ADRIEN BRODY IS LIKE "DON'T GO, WE LOVE U" AND DREN COMES BACK AND HUGS HIM. AWW, FAMILY!

AT SOME POINT ADRIEN BRODY AND BIOCHEMIST GF HAVE A PRESS CONFERENCE TO REVEAL THEIR SLUG SPLICED CREATURES, BUT IT'S A DISASTER BECAUSE THE FEMALE SLUG HAS MUTATED INTO A MALE AND THEY KILL EACH OTHER VERY BLOODILY IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AND IT'S A TOTAL FAILURE, ~FORESHADOWZ?~ ADRIEN BRODY KEEPS YELLING AT BIOCHEMIST GF BECAUSE DREN IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT SCIENCE AND SHE'S GOING A LITTLE CRAZY WITH IT, LIKE DAMN GURL, THIS AIN'T REALLY YOUR DAUGHTER EVEN THOUGH HE IS ALWAYS BEING A TOTALLY CUTE DAD WITH HER?

EXCEPT FOR THE ONE TIME SHE WAS SWIMMING IN HER WATER TANK AND HE WAS WATCHING HER ON THE CAMERA THEY HAVE ON IT AND SHE WAS BEING PLAYFUL TOWARDS HIM AND HE WAS TOTALLY TURNED ON BY IT?!

ALSO AT ONE POINT, TO CHEER DREN UP, HE PUTS SOME MUSIC ON AND DANCES AROUND WITH HER, AND IT'S CUTE UP UNTIL THE POINT HE STARTS STARING AT HER NECK AND LOOKING LIKE HE'S THINKING SEXY THOUGHTS ABOUT HER. ALSO, HE FIGURES OUT THAT IT WAS BIOCHEMIST GF'S DNA THAT WAS SPLICED INTO HER, BC THEY LOOK SIMILAR OR SOMETHING, SO TECHNICALLY IT REALLY IS HER DAUGHTER.

BIOCHEMIST GF MOM WANTS TO MAKE UP WITH DREN SO SHE GIVES HER HER CAT BACK, BUT DREN IS A LITTLE TEENAGE BITCH SO SHE KILLS THE CAT WITH HER STINGER (NOOOOOOOOOO) AND TRIES TO BREAK FREE OF THE BARN, BUT BIOCHEMIST GF MOM KNOCKS HER OUT WITH A SHOVEL BEFORE SHE CAN GET AWAY

SHE TIES DREN TO A TABLE AND STARTS TO DEHUMANIZE HER SO IT CAN BE ABOUT SCIENCE AGAIN. IT'S OKAY BECAUSE DREN HAS DOWN'S SYNDROME SO IT'S NOT LIKE SHE FEELS ANYTHING ANYWAY. BIOCHEMIST GF MOM CUTS OFF THE DRESS SHE PUT DREN IN, WIPES OFF DREN'S MAKE-UP, AND CUTS THE STINGER OFF OF DREN'S TAIL, ALL WHILE DREN CRIES PITIFULLY. IT IS CRAZY MOM GARBAGE. ADRIEN BRODY BUSTS IN AND IS ALL "WHAT ARE U DOING?! DAMN WOMAN!!!!!!" AND BIOCHEMIST GF GOES BACK TO THE LAB TO SYNTHESIZE SOMETHING

MEANWHILE, ADRIEN BRODY IS TRYING TO SOOTHE DREN BUT THEN DREN IS A LITTLE TEENAGE SEDUCTRESS (U KNOW HOW SEXY TEENS CAN BE!) AND KISSES ADRIEN BRODY. AT FIRST ADRIEN BRODY IS LIKE "NO! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" BUT THEN HE STARTS KISSING HER TOO, BECAUSE SHE WAS ASKING FOR IT, YOU KNOW? THEY START ROLLING AROUND ON THE FLOOR AND HE GETS HIS DICK OUT AND HAS SEX WITH DREN. SHE IS TOTALLY RIDING HIM LIKE SHE SAW HER BIOCHEMIST GF MOM DO BEFORE. SO YOU MAKE A CREATURE AND THEN RAISE IT AS A DAUGHTER AND THEN BECOME SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO IT, NBD, EXCEPT FOR HOW YOU ARE A PEDOPHILE FOR YOUR GENETICALLY ENGINEERED ANIMALPERSON DOWN'S SYNDROME TEENAGE DAUGHTER, YOU SICK FUCK

MY JAW WAS ON THE FLOOR AND EVERYONE IN THE THEATRE WAS JUST LIKE, FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. I COULD NOT BELIEVE ADRIEN BRODY WAS HAVING SEX WITH HIS CREATURE DAUGHTER

BIOCHEMIST GF MOM WALKS IN ON IT OF COURSE. DREN'S STINGER LIKE GREW BACK OR SOMETHING AND SHE WAS ABOUT TO STING ADRIEN BRODY WITH IT BC I GUESS SHE'S THE KINDA SEXY TEEN WHO LIKES TO KILL MEN AFTER MATING WITH THEM. BIOCHEMIST GF MOM IS HORRIFIED AND RUNS AWAY TO THEIR OLD APARTMENT, AND ADRIEN BRODY FOLLOWS HER AND IS LIKE "IDK I GOT CONFUSED" AND SHE'S LIKE "YOU CAN'T TALK YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS ONE" AND I'M LIKE, FOR DAYS ADRIEN BRODY. FOR DAYS. THEN THEY REALIZE WHAT THEY HAVE DONE (MAIMING, RAPING, ETC) AND THEY NEED TO GO BACK AND KILL DREN ONCE AND FOR ALL.

WHEN THEY GET BACK DREN IS ALL SICKLY AND DIES SHORTLY AFTER THAT (I THOUGHT SHE WAS GONNA BE PREGNANT, Y'ALL, I WOULD'VE COMMAT SUICIDE) SO THEY BURY HER NEXT TO THE BARN AND BURN ALL OF HER TOYS. DAVID HEWLETT SHOWS UP WITH ADRIEN'S BRODY'S BRO AND IS LIKE "WHERE IS IT U GUYS ADRIEN BRODY'S HAIRCUT TOLD ME ALL ABOUT IT" AND BIOCHEMIST GF IS LIKE "SHE JUST DIED, UGH."

THEN SOMETHING SWOOPS OUT OF NOWHERE AND KILLS DAVID HEWLETT, GD IT!!! THEN IT KILLS ADRIEN BRODY'S BRO, O WELL. IT'S TOTALLY DREN! SHE IS HUUUGE NOW AND HAS MASSIVE BEAUTIFUL WINGS. SHE FLIES OFF INTO THE WOODS AND ADRIEN BRODY AND BIOCHEMIST GF MOM TRY TO FOLLOW HER, BUT GF MOM SOON REALIZES IT'S DANGEROUS AND THEY NEED TO GO BACK. ADRIEN BRODY DROPS HIS FLASHLIGHT IN A POND AND DREN COMES OUT OF THE POND AND PUNCHES ADRIEN BRODY OUT, AND THEN GETS ON TOP OF HIS BIOCHEMIST MOM. SHE'S LIKE, "DREN! IT'S ME! WHAT DO YOU WANT!"

AND IN A CREEPY ASS RASPY VOICE, DREN GOES, "INSIIIIIIIDE YOUUUUUUUU"

AND THEN IT IS REALIZED THAT DREN HAS MUTATED INTO A MALE, LIKE THE SLUGS BEFORE HER, AND HE PULLS DOWN HIS MOTHER'S PANTS AND RAPES HER WITH HIS STINGER TAIL WHILE SHE CRIES

JAW + FLOOR. JAW + FLOOR UNTIL THE END OF TIME I COULD NOT BELIEVE THEY WERE DOING THIS

ADRIEN BRODY WAKES UP AND GETS DREN OFF BIOCHEMIST GF, AND THEN BIOCHEMST GF IS ABOUT TO SMASH DREN'S HEAD WITH A ROCK, BUT SHE'S LIKE "MY DAUGHTER (WHO IS NOW MY SON AND WHO JUST RAPED ME???)!!" AND WHILE SHE'S HESITATING, DREN STINGS ADRIEN BRODY WITH HER STINGER AND KILLS HIM. BIOCHEMIST GF MOM THEN SMASHES DREN'S HEAD AND KILLS HER, THEN DROPS TO THE GROUND AND SOBS

FLASH FORWARD A LITTLE BIT TO BIOCHEMIST GF TALKING TO THE FRENCH LADY FROM BEFORE. THE FRENCH LADY IS LIKE "THANKS FOR AGREEING TO THIS EVEN THOUGH IT'LL BE A PERSONAL HARDSHIP" AND WE'RE LIKE WHUT UNTIL BIOCHEMIST GF STANDS UP AND REVEALS THAT SHE IS PREGNANT WITH HER GENETICALLY ENGINEERED ANIMALPERSON DAUGHTERSON DOWN'S SYNDROME RAPE BABY AND I GUESS SHE'S GONNA DONATE IT TO SCIENCE SO THEY CAN SYNTHESIZE SOMETHING

F THIS MOVIE IN THE A

IT WAS ABLEIST AS HELL

IT WAS SEXIST AS HELL

IT WAS FULL OF RAPE

I HATED IT


ETA: LOVE U GUYS FROM ONTD OR OTHER SOURCES! THANKS FOR BEING THERE FOR ME, BOOS! THERE ARE SO MANY OF YOU TO INTERACT WITH INDIVIDUALLY, BUT KNOW THAT I FEEL HONORED + BLESSED THAT YOU'VE READ AND/OR LIKED MY REVIEW. THANKS FOR BLOWING ME UP, Y'ALL.

ETA2: Certain people seem to be pissed @ me that I referred to Sarah Polley as "Biochemist GF" rather than "Sarah Polley" while I did refer to Adrien Brody as "Adrien Brody". I just want you to know: it wasn't because she's a woman; it's because she's a stranger. I'd never heard of Sarah Polley before, so she wasn't Sarah Polley to me, like how the actor who played Adrien Brody's Brother was a stranger to me, so he is referred to as "Adrien Brody's Brother." I often like to give basic descriptive nicknames (One-Eyed Neo-Nazi, Gay Bitch Prince, Gay Majickal Faeries, Gay Cudlitz, etc., THAT'S JUST HOW I DO SOMETIMES) and in the movie she was both a biochemist and a GF. And the movie didn't treat her as much more than that anyway. I'm sorry that it ever offended anyone either way.
Tags: garbage, movies
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